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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Would You Keep Reading?





Years ago I started a murder mystery and wrote 25 chapters. This was the first chapter. I found it the other day while working on the another story that I want to write. I had promised you that I wanted to share something with you so here it is. I totally re-wrote it and I think I like the other first chapter better. My question to you is if you picked up a book and this was the first chapter would you continue to read it or toss it aside. Honesty is what I am looking for in your comments. I promise you will not hurt my feelings or keep me from writing. I let a girlfriend do that to me after I sent the whole 25 chapters to her and her reply plus Wayne leaving kept me from continuing with this story. Do I continue now are trash it?

Adults only should continue

Chapter 1  

She lay helplessly beneath him as he continued to squeeze the life from her. His large hands felt good wrapped around her throat. He found it amusing how her brown eyes grew larger and darker the harder he squeezed her. He could feel how warm and sweaty her body was up against his.

He regretted that the fun was almost over because he liked the way she had fought him. At one moment she had almost succeeded in giving him a swift hard kick in the balls.

Now the only sign of life were her eyes reeling with hate and fear as she grasped for another breath.

He was listening for her last breath….when suddenly he was awaken by a loud voice calling out his name.

It was the voice that keeps his mother reaching for her pills every morning. The pills that help her get through the daily routines expected of a preacher’s wife. His mother believes only three people know about her pills. Herself, good ole Doc. Burdick and Jay Kettler, the pharmacist.

The voice that caused his sister Tabitha to runaway to Dallas on a Greyhound Bus two years ago this month. Calling home eight months later to tell their mother about her new grandchild.

The same voice that causes the old pane windows in the Twin Oaks Baptist Church to rattle every Wednesday and Sunday during worship service.

The loud voice that he has grown to hate over the past seventeen years.

Like most Sunday mornings the voice made him wish he had either stopped after the first six pack of Bud or never quit drinking at all.

He laid there, listening to the voice preaching to his mother about how the sinners of the world were still sleeping at this hour on the Sabbath. He knows this sermon and many others by heart.

No doubt this is the same sermon; Faye Jones has had to endure since she and his dad were joined together in Holy Matrimony over twenty years ago.
The thought of his dad and mother being joined together in any way made him feel like he was going to loose his last nights supper. Supper was the usual on Saturday nights, a burger basket down at the Dairy Queen with a local girl, Sarah Roberts. She was his steady date on weekends and just thinking about her made him feel if he moved that very moment he would barf. He found almost everything about the Roberts girl objectionable. Sarah and her family were members of the Twin Oaks Baptist Church and every Sunday without fail would drop their weekly tithe into the offering plate and nothing made his dad smile more than a plate that runneth over.

As long as he can remember his dad had talked about the Roberts family coming from Old money and that Norman, Sarah’s dad, never worked a day in his sorry life. Dating her met with his dad’s approval therefore he rationalized if spending a few hours with her on Saturday nights eliminated one sermon in his life then so be it.

He usually tired of Sarah easily and after taking her home, he would spend the rest of the night drinking with his buddies, Melvin Rogers and Tommy Oliver. Melvin and Tommy have been his close buddies since they fought over the little weevil wobble people in the church nursery.

Melvin’s old man, Johnny Rogers, deserted his family when Melvin was only five leaving his mother, Shirley, to raise him and two sisters alone. His other buddy Tommy wishes some days that his dad would hit the same road that Melvin’s dad had taken twelve years ago.

Saturday nights were about the same in Leona as most small Texas towns. The old saying that the sidewalks rolled up at sundown held especially true in this little East Texas town, population 499 on most days. The local Dairy Queen parking lot, on Main Street , was where you will find the local teenagers most nights of the week. Like this Saturday night the streets of Leona are really a sleep because most of the teenagers have all driven thirty miles to Huntsville .
This East Texas town is home to Sam Houston State College which of course means a party town for the surrounding local teenagers. Especially for the females since Huntsville also is the home for the Texas Criminal System where thousands of young men seek jobs in Criminal Justice.

Except for catching a movie or going bowling, he and his buddies had given up on Huntsville a long time ago, too much competition to suit them. They preferred hanging out and getting drunk, at Tommy’s old mans fishing camp located about five miles out of Leona on FM 630 near the best fishing hole in the county. Last night was no exception and he had managed somehow to drive home and sneak into his room without waking up his old man.

His old man was awake now and hollering for him to be dressed and downstairs in ten minutes. He could hear the boards in the hall way creak and knew that his old man was now coming to his room to check on him.

Lifting his head from the pillow reminded him of his pounding headache and his dry fuzzy mouth. Lucky for him, that he managed to reach his bathroom door at the same moment he heard his bedroom door open.

A long hot shower is what he needed along with a few aspirins that he found on the bottom shelf of his small but handy medicine cabinet. While swallowing the aspirin he stepped into the steamy shower and let the hot water run down the sides of his throbbing head and realized that his hair actually hurt. My God how many beers did he and his buddies drink last night.

Reaching for one of the blue towels hanging near the tub, he lost his balance but somehow managed to keep from falling. He pulled himself back up and managed to grab the nearest towel.

While drying himself off he was muttering, “Why in the hell do you suppose he insist I sit and listen to him preach every sermon when it’s as obvious as a Herd of Bird Dogs flying over that these sermons are directed at sinners.”
Like most guys his age he knew the biggest sin he ever committed was in the back seat of the family car trying to get a handful of Judy Marshall’s big breast. But hell all the guys in Leona , Texas were getting more than just a handful of Judy’s breast. He did not see any of them knocking the doors down to the Twin Oaks Baptist Church .

Brushing his teeth the voice he hated almost as much as his dad’s voice was back again. Whispering to him the voice said, “What about the crazy dreams you have been having time after time? I bet that ole man of yours would give you more than one of his sermons, if he knew about your dreams. Why only dream of bad things that you can do? Isn’t it about time to give the ole man something to really preach about?”

Why not he thought while pulling up his pants! He figured even if he started sinning today, he could never make up for the 1,768 sermons he has set through the last 17 years.

He then realized buttoning his pants that he had suddenly gotten a woody on just thinking about the ways he could sin.

YES, it was time, he heard himself saying out loud.

Just at the same moment the church bells began to ring.



If your interested I will post the other chapter that I wrote just recently thinking maybe it should be the first chapter and not this one.

Have a wonderful weekend

Love to all

Maggie

Please know that I have two different copy rights to my post so please do not copy. Thanks



34 comments:

Tam said...

Straight up: Your writing is GOOD.
I am not just saying that because I adore you it is just how I feel
Tam

jojo said...

Oh yes! I would read more, and more...keep 'em coming..;j

Mumsy, Chancy and Co. said...

You have grabbed my interest sweet Maggie and I would keep right on reading. I was disappointed when I reached the end of this post...I was hoping for more. Hugs

Buttercup said...

I love mysteries -- have a few chapters tucked away, too -- and I need to know what happens.

Hugs and blessings, my writer friend!

Brynwood Needleworks said...

Same here, Kid. Add me to your list of readers!
xoxo
Dee

Dragonfly Treasure said...

OOO I want more!! Very good indeed!
*hugs*deb

Dragonlady said...

I thought it was very good and can't wait to read more, so hope you will share more with us....it captured my attention.....
hugs
Brenda

Kathy @ Creative Home Expressions said...

Yes, I would continue reading after this chapter. I am into Mysteries and Thrillers, Maggie, so this is the type of book I look over to buy. I'd love to read your rewrite to see what you thought needed changing.

Cherrie said...

You keep posting them and I'll keep reading them. I liked it a lot! You go girl! You got talent!

Kim said...

I want more. You Go Girl!

Country Wings in Phoenix said...

Oh Maggie Sweetie...
Now you must keep posting, you cannot leave us hanging like this.

Between stories of your first nights working in the prison and now this story, I can't stand it anymore.

Just send me all 25 chapters. I want to read it. Can you over night it? Ha! Ha!

No seriously Maggie, it is great. I would so love for you to keep posting. You are a woman of many talents. You never stop amazing me.

I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

Many hugs sweetie and so much love, Sherry

Debbie said...

I am impressed! Keep going! :) I have always wanted to write but the stories always sound better in my head. lol

Love it!
Debbie K

Darlene said...

I think you might really have something here. The story line is a good one. I think you should go ahead and post a bit more. Are you waiting until it is finished before editing? At any rate, I'm looking forward to reading more.

Love to you!

June said...

Hey Maggie, when will you get it published so we can read the rest??? You know I'm the wife of a cop, so of course I love mysteries, crime, etc. I don't get to read much anymore, except blogs, but I want you to sign my copy!!!!
hugs to you..

Shirley said...

Hi Maggie, You sure know how to leave a person hanging. I was waiting for more to read. Yours would be hard to lay down once you starting reading. I like a good book and I would like to read more of this one. Your typewriter reminded me of typing class many moons ago. Have a great weekend. Your Missouri Friend.

Draffin Bears said...

Hi Maggie,

For sure keep writing and I really hope that you get published.
I think we all like to read a thriller and mystery book. Best of luck and we hope to see your books in the shops.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend
Hugs
Carolyn

Donna said...

I'm NOT a murder mystery kinda girl...but YOU done it!! It's a page turner for sure, Maggie!! Write more.

Sares said...

I would definitely read more! I think it's great Maggie. Please keep going and share more. As to whether or not this should be the first chapter, you would know better. It certainly caught my interest, which is what the beginning of a book is supposed to do. Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Well, first, you have a natural knack for storytelling: rhythm, timing, how to command attention. Love, love, love, the opening of the first chapter. Your writing is a joy to read because its so conversational and you have such a lovely combination of action and character description. You REALLY want to know what's going to happen next, and right from the start.

What really works, what's so artfully done, is you effortlessly grab attention, set the tone, and introduce your characters so naturally...its beautiful...really...that try to teach that to graduate students, but you either have or you don't. And, You, Maggie, HAVE IT!!!

Continue on...
Love from your neighbor
Gretchen

Deb said...

I like your writing style...I would definately read it...wow how cool if you sell it and we could say we knew you when...

Marydon said...

Maggie, darling, this is one fantastic write. Spell binding, mysterious, captivating ... you can't stop here, sweetie ... keeping those keys going!!!

Andrea is a well rounded marvelous woman, Maggie, she'll enjoy this awesome talent you have ...

Calling you today sometime ... love & miss you!

Have a beautiful week ~
TTFN ~
Love,
Marydon

Pam said...

Yes, it's good! I like mysteries and your style of writing. Want to hear more!

Arkansas Patti said...

This has the makings of a real thriller. A profiler would love your lead in character. Does he fulfill his dream?
Do hope you keep working on that story. You do have a definite talent for writing.

Tracy said...

Maggie,
MOST DEFINITELY I would keep reading...not only does it lure me in but I smile because I hear your voice in the story and that is fun to me! I think you need to continue and post your next chapter...
Hugs my friend!

Garden of Egan said...

Heck ya!
Remember us when you are all famous and stuff!

You are pretty creative my friend.

Grandma Yellow Hair said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read this long chapter and for leaving me such awesome comments. Wow I really am lost for words when it comes to telling you how much I appreciate each and everyone of you..
Signed copies for all of you!!!! lol
Love to all and blessing for a wonderful week ahead!
Maggie

Julia said...

Maggie, even though I no longer read Mystery books, ( I used to years ago), you can grab the reader's attention and hold it. I like how develop your story. You're good... real good... Go for it Maggie.

Happy Spring. JB

Nezzy said...

Girl, ya can't just leave us danglin' out here...you MUST post another!!!

God bless and enjoy this beautiful Summer Day! :o)

Simply Soothing Studio said...

I am a complete murder mystery fan and I love what you wrote. I would definitely keep reading it! You're fantastic.

Take care.

Rocky Mountain Woman said...

I love it Maggie!

You have a gift for storytelling and I feel like I know all the main characters already (especially the father, my Dad was a preacher).

Thanks so much for stopping by. I've been working on my house and have kind of let my novel fall by the wayside, but I am working on a new chapter and also will have a chapter on the ongoing saga of building my house later in the week...

xxoo,

RMW

GerryART said...

Well, Maggie, you've caught my attention.
Awaiting the arrival of Chapter 2.
Hugs,
Gerry

Libbie said...

Maggie!! & you are a writer too! I have to admit a little secret but I want you to take it as a huge compliment...I couldn't read it! It was too scary & for some reason when I am pregnant I can't handle scary! But the reason I couldn't go on was because I already had so many emotions in the first paragraph! It scrared the witts out of me! Keep it up my friend! & someday when I am not pregnant I want to come back & read the whole thing!

-your nutty little sister :)
Lib

Debbie said...

You bet! That is excellent and I'd love to read more.

Happy To Be/ Gl♥ria said...

BRAVO!! and YES I would continue to read this book..in fact I want and need more of it..Hugs and smiles Gl♥ria