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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Not Even I Could Make This Up!

There is no way to prepare someone for what I am about to share with you. Even I could not make this up and you know my imgination. It is so bad I am not even sure I should share it. I mean there are some of you that have already dropped me because you think I could be as Gretchen likes to say about the actors she works with.....Bat Sh** Crazy! I swear to you a woman I use to work with years ago phoned me and told me this about her hubby.

Somehow we got on the subject of sleep walking. I think it started with me mentioning to her that I was up all night and was hoping to go to bed early tonight. She then tells me she is a little worried about her husband because he has been sleep walking. What makes this story even funnier is the way she tells it. I mean she is so serious and never once changes the tone of her voice. It was like we talking about something as unimportant as going to get our nails done.

Well hang on to your coffee cups because when I tell you what she told me about her husband and sleep walking you are going to probably spit your coffee all over your screen. I would give up cookies and Dr Pepper for a wekk if I could just tell this to you the way it was told to me.

It seems for a while now her husband gets up in his sleep looking for something to eat. She started finding things half eaten in their kitchen or laying on the counter and could not figure out why. The very first thing she found was a empty package of cat treats. Now I kid you not when she told me that she ask him why all the cat treats were gone he got a real funny look on his face and told her she must of left them there. She swore to me that she knew dang well she had not given their cat a full bag of treats and then left the empty bag on the counter.

I laughed so hard that I embarrassed myself. I can just see her skinny husband standing there a sleep eating cat treats.

Oh believe me it gets even better. She has found cat food and dog food out along with other things in her cabinets. Then she said one morning she went into the bathroom and her deorderant was on the floor with a big bite out of it. She said when she confronted him with this of course he denied it all.

I have to tell you even now typing this I can not see the key board for tears falling down my face laughing so hard. You read it right he supposedly took a bite of her deorderant. I was laughing to hard to ask her if he ate it. Seems like she mentioned something else odd was eaten in the bathroom.

After the deorderant incident she said she started worrying about him because he is totally unaware of doing this. They think he even drank some of her liquid dish washing.

By now I am laughing so hard that my sides are hurting. It has been a while since I have had a laugh like this.

For the last six months she has been calling me about the fear of him cheating on her. He has been staying out late and not coming home after work and other things. Well you know me I got mad hearing some of things she told me these last few months so when she told me this today I told her its a good thing I wasn't married to him because with him walking in his sleep drinking and eating all kinds of things I could just picture some dishes I would have sitting around for him.

Of course this made her laugh but then she continued to tell me that one night she got up and checked on him and he was peeing in her dryer. I knew then I could not hear anymore. She said she screamed so loud when she found him doing this that it startled him so bad that she thought he was going to have a heart attack.

Oh she also told me that he has banged his head so hard walking into something in his sleep that he has cuts and even one time woke up with a black eye.

If this had come from any other woman besides her I don't know if I could believe all these stories. But she is a shy quite type that would never make up fabrications especially of this nature. By now try to picture her so serious on one end of the phone and me absolutely uncontrollable on the opposite end. I mean seriously how can one prepare theirself for a conversation like the one I had with her.

Even now I can't hardly repeat it without loosing it. Could you tell someone these stories about your hubby?

Then she tells me that he is like 58 and she is worried that this is only the beginning of her life with him in his old age. I can tell you right now Ms Pearl would not allow the man to reach old age. Not if he pees anywhere but the commode in the bathroom. No Way!

Good thing I never see this couple and that we don't live close because I am telling you I don't think I can ever look at the man the same again.

I hope I did not offend her by laughing so loud I woke up everything napping out here on the North Forty but to think of a grown man walking around eating cat treats or deorderant sticks is a little too much for me to not loose it over.

I told her to give me time to recoop from this phone call and to please stay in touch because here lately I have needed a good laugh.

Christi is coming today to spend the weekend and I can't wait til we are face to face so I can repeat this story. Christi has a laugh that makes the world laugh with her so I can just see how she will react to this.

Do you sleep walk?

I told her maybe thats why I have gained so much weight because I don't eat that much during the day maybe I am doing the same thing but just neat about it and not leave the evidence lying around on the counter tops.

Hope you come back soon because I love you visiting with me.
Love to all


Carol@The Writers Porch said...

Lawdy B Maggie........the things we read on the blogs! HA! He'd not reach old age around here either!!
Loved it! XO

Whimsey Creations said...

Oh my gosh you had me laughing out loud! Too funny. Never happen here because since two of the dogs sleep with hubby, they would wake me up if he sleep walked LOL I do have to tell you though, years ago we had a couple of dogs and a cat. We had to feed the cat up on the kitchen counter or the dog would eat the cat food. So I always had a small bowl of dry cat food on the counter. My mom was visiting and I had to leave to go to the grocery. As I was going through the kitchen I said "Mom, try this new snack mix while I'm gone - it's really good." When I came home she said "That new snack mix isn't bad but it's awfully hard to chew." I nearly died laughing and she wasn't too happy when I told her it was cat food. I'm sooooo bad but it still makes me laugh to this day!

From Beyond My Kitchen Window said...

I can't stop laughing. As a matter of fact I'm laughing so hard it is making my dog nervous. Thank you for posting this about your poor friends husband. I feel bad, but man this is one of the funniest stories I have heard in a long time. Great visit this morning!!! I'm off to get a tissue to wipe the laughing tears away. Oh, and my dog needs some comforting she thinks there is something wrong with me.

Brynwood Needleworks said...

Well, Maggie. You've finally done it.
I'm speechless! laughing too hard to comment.
Have a great weekend.

Debby said...

OMG as funny as this could be serious.....that man needs to see a doctor before he dies from something he eats. I hope she has all the poisons locked up.
My Dad hads alzheimers. My Mom was in the shower once and the neighbor came to bring treats for Christmas. Cookies for them and dog treats for their dog. When she had gotten out of the shower my Dad had eaten all the dog treats.
I wish I could be there to see you telling your daughter.
My son used to sleep walk. Once he came upstairs in his sisters' flannel night gown. He does not like me telling this story, hah.

acorn hollow said...

Me thinks the sleep walker has something on his mind hmmmmm.
Ok why doesn't she put a bell on the bedroom door so she can follow him around with a camera at night as evidence.Cuse honey that needs to be filmed.
Thanks for the laugh

Dr. Kathy McCoy said...

OMG, Maggie! That is so funny -- although I do agree with a previous commenter that he should have a medical examination. My husband, on a dare from my brother, once ate a dog biscuit and then a cat treat. He said the dog biscuit was fine, but the cat treat was the most foul, disgusting thing he had ever eaten. It's amazing that the sleep walker could polish off a whole bag of them. On the other hand, the deodorant stick couldn't have been too tasty, either!

GerryART said...

If this husband is taking the sleeping aide by the name of Ambien this is quite possible. It causes 'sleep walking' and more often than not involves eating. There have been cases where the individual get into the car the drive without remembering a thing.
Your friend may want to take a look at her husband's meds before some thing tragic happens.
Sorry for being such a downer but this could be a medical matter.

Sue said...

I agree that this is a funny tale, made more so (somehow) by the possibility that he is cheating on her and kinda deserves it, but the truth is that he needs to go to a sleep clinic and figure out what's going on. Sounds like a problem that could really be dangerous.

(I did have to laugh when you said you would be leaving revenge treats out for him to eat up at night.)


Sue @ Not the Good Scissors! said...

I bet this poor woman doesn't get any sleep wondering what he is going to get into. This is one of the funniest sleep walking stories I have ever heard.

When my brother was young he would sleep walk. One time he actually found himself sitting on the back porch of the next door neighbor. One time he woke my parents up and told them the dog was having pups in his room. My parents thought he was sleep walking and told him to go back to bed. Shortly afterwards they heard the wimpering coming from the pups. It has been decades and we still talk about that night and have a good laugh.
Hugs, Sue

Cathy @The Frazzled Homemaker said...

Too funny! I'm like you. I might just "accidently" leave a few surprises laying around for this guy's midnight snack.

I never slept walk but when I was a kid, my parents heard a strange sound coming from my bedroom. It was right after the original "Herbie the Love Bug" movie came out and we had seen it earlier that day. I was sitting up in bed, making motor noises with my mouth and steering an imaginary steering wheel. Then I just stopped, and layed back down.
I remember dreaming I was driving Herbie too.

Buttercup said...

Lock up the doggie treats! Seriously, he needs to see a doctor soon, very soon. I'd worry about some major neurology issue, if he doesn't poison himself first. As for you, sweet friend, one person's bat-s**t is another person's friend!

Jennifer Richardson said...

....just can't stop grinning:):):)
thanks ever so much
for the laughs!

NitWit1 said...

well, I kinda sleep walk eating, but I eat human food, usually ice cream novelties or sweet goodies. I do have a dog, but the dog food supply is stable.

I find popsicle/ice cream novelty sticks strung along my path to freezer, or cookie crumbs, but no dog/cat food.

Geez I hope my disorder doesn't tale a turn for the worse.!!!!!!!!!!!

Kim said...

That is hysterical. I work with a girl who eats in her sleep. She says she often wakes up with empty boxes of crackers etc in her bed. Lol

Susie Swanson said...

OMG, this is hilarious. That man would not last long around me. I don't know how you kept a straight face as long as you did. I've heard it all now, thought my cousin was bad but there's never been any cat or dog food missing.. lol.. You have a great weekend.. Susie

Gorges Smythe said...

For what it's worth, I've always heard that sleep-walking is a sign of emotional problems. That said, my great grandfather would sleep-walk as a child and once woke up walking across the beams in the barn, plus woke up another time in the middle of a wild blackberry patch. Barefooted, of course! OUCH!

Marydon said...

Laughing my tush off!! OMGolly! Can you evenimagine! I'd have a hard time ever being able to see him personally again without loosing it, I'm telling you, Maggie.

Well, if you have L O S T followers, they aren't friends ... I can't imagine ANYONE not enjoying you & your fabulous humor & your writing. You are mine forever, sweetie ... sistah for life.

Love you, sweetie. Tell Christi HI.

Hope you have a beautiful holiday weekend

Darlene said...

I agree with GerryART and Sue, I think it is imperative that she get him to a doctor immediately. He could really do himself, or someone else harm, so in a sense, it is hardly a laughing matter. Having said that, I can see why so many people found it so funny. But the truth is that sleepwalking can be helped and the sooner he gets help, the better.

A Tale of Two Cities said...

I used to play the piano while sleepwalking--that's probably the craziest thing I've ever done!

Flat Creek Farm said...

I was seriously starting to feel sorry for the guy - until you mentioned his wife suspected he was cheating on her. And sounded like she had something to back it up. Then I had a very different reaction :D I have heard of this problem. Sounds scary, but yes... no one would argue.. it's dang funny too!! Thanks for the laugh! -Tammy

Midlife Mom said...

Oh my goodness! That man has PROBLEMS!! If he starts meowing I would call the doctor!!!!! HA! Thanks for the laugh this morning!!!!

Bill S. said...

Wow - what a person to live with. I'm glad I don't sleep walk. Great story.

nancarts said...

Oh my gosh! I did laugh, but this is a serious problem! Who knows what or where he might travel on one of his sleep walking jaunts..or what he might eat. She needs to get him to a doc even if she has to drag him. Seriously!!!

Peace and Blessings,

~ Regan said...

That is crazy! Sounds like he has a very guilty conscience or a stressed troubled mind, I've always heard that high stress levels can make someone sleep walk. Hope your friend figures out how the heck to get him over whats troubling him... ya know, so he stops peeing in her dryer!
Have a great labor day!!

June said...

This is hilarious Maggie. Does this mean I need to keep my dog treats under lock and key. lol!
I know you and Christi will have a great time over this story!!!
sending big hugs...

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yaya said...

Funny, funny, funny story! Good grief! I had a friend whose little boy would sleep walk and once she found him peeing in the fridge! I never ate jello from her house again...but I had one of my boys who would sleep walk. We always knew he was asleep because he would wander downstairs and sit and just wring his hands together until we took him back to bed, but made sure he went to the bathroom before he went back to bed!

Marilyn said...

I am having a Halloween Giveaway... Come on over!!

My Grama's Soul said...

Ahhhh.....this provided a good laugh this morning.

I knew a lady who also was a sleep walker. She would go to the kitchen get the BBQ ribs and bring them back to bed with her and chow down there! She would wake up in the morning with rib bones all round her and was completely confused as to how they got there. LOL LOL
Can you imagine?

Hugs sweet lady.....and keep laughing....


Garden of Egan said...

Oh my heck.
You are right, you just can't make that stuff up.

Hope you had a great day with Christie.

Julia said...

Sorry Maggie for not leaving a comment. I was reading your blog when my company arrived and I didn't want to be rude and stay at the computer since they came from over a 3 hour drive to visit me and I also had to do my barn chores too. Your story was so unbelievable odds.

I know of a young girl who sleep walked would get up and turn all the lights on in the middle of the night and then go back to bed. She swore that she was not turning the lights on even though her sister and I saw her get up and turn all the lights on.

Hugs, JB

From the Kitchen said...

I'm actually laughing so hard I find it impossible to type--well, almost impossible. I'd have to know more about that couple but my instinct would be to open the door for him and lock it behind him!!


Lisalulu said...

YOU are the first one I check in with...been gone over a week and I just KNEW you would have something to entertain me with!! Love you, Love your stories (truth or not) and Love your writing... so glad you are here and still laughing and whooping it up

♥ Sonny ♥ said...

Well you know me by now so I too embarrassed my self while I read this rofl..
I also read a lot of the other commenters posts and I just wanna say,
if he's cheating on her- I hope she hasnt put away or locked up all the poisons.. roflmoa just kidding/ sorta

have I said lately how much I love coming here for a visit, if not, I'm sayin it now:)